I have a lot of memories from my childhood; some good, some not so good.
This particular one stands out and is engraved in my heart forever.
My friends often talk about things they did with their family or stories with their family. I never really had that. I do have memories but they’re not very fond.
One fine day in high school, my father came to me and said, “I want you to have this watch.” It was a Swatch. I was perplexed. All my life I was using rip-offs for my daily timekeeping or none at all. It was a heavy watch, with a slick leather strap in navy blue colour, a polished buckle, and a shining bezel.
I thanked him and felt a little puzzled about this whole ordeal. I wasn’t very close to my father so why the watch? Maybe it was an emotional thing, of passing down family heirlooms when the gents reached a certain age. I thanked him and put the watch safely in my drawer for safekeeping.
Mind you, your man comes from a broken home, and it was around this time my mother decided to leave my father along with me and my sister. To my utmost surprise, my father came back and asked me for the watch. Begrudgingly, I opened the drawer and returned it to him.
I never saw the watch again.
The only thing linking me to my father, apart from the blood of course which doesn’t really count for anything nowadays; the sole paraphernalia was taken away from me.
I became the boy with no inheritance.
I felt stranded. I didn’t have anyone around me to cheer me on for my matches. There was nobody to help me with the government forms. Nobody to tell me, “Son, you’re old enough. You should start shaving.”
So at the age of 22, I bought myself a razor and some foam and started shaving. Nobody told me that you shave in one direction. The razor strokes were in all directions. Now the cuts and nicks were also on my face other than my heart. The male chauvinist in me refused to call mum for help in such ‘manly’ matters. I wanted to do all of this on my own. I decided to do everything on my own.
The wounds healed, but the scars remain.
But do you know something? I’m writing this so that you know this. You can’t possibly do everything on your own friend. It’s one thing to endure through tough times maybe for some time, but it’s something else to take on the world alone. Trust me, I tried. It’s impossible. You need support, you need mentorship and most importantly you need love.
The hell are you going to do without that, my friend?
There’s a term called hiraeth in Welsh. Hiraeth is the pull on the heart conveys a distinct feeling of missing something irretreivably lost. I never had it, yet I miss it.
The past year is the closest I have had to a home. Apart from living on my own, another family opened their arms like never before; and the love and support I experienced has been buoyant. It has kept me afloat.
I had imbibed everything that a fauji kid must, but experienced nothing that a family did. I had never known that dinner at the table can be such a fun experience. I never knew that you can actually crack jokes with your father and laugh with him. I never had all of that. I never had anyone to pick me up from the airport or drop me off when I was heading back to college. I had nobody to tell me, “Don’t worry son, we got this.”
The little things did matter.
I have felt so much more like a part of a family in the last year than I ever have in the past 24 years of my life. I was shook when Sascha didi (my best friend’s elder sister, and mine too), called me right when I landed in Bangalore. The aircraft was still taxing, and I switched my phone on.
“All good?”, she asked.
“Yes, didi.”
“Have enough money on you?”
“Yes, didi.”
“Chal okay. Have fun.”
Man, who checks up on you like this?
Apparently, family does.
So, one of the drawbacks of growing up in a broken household is missing out on the niceties of a family? I never received that memo.
Apparently, it’s normal to sit at the table and have a meal with your family and actually have a good time? All of this is a very alien feeling for me. But I love it. I love every aspect of it.
Dear Dhruv felt so lost when all of this dawned on him.
For the longest time, I have been doing things on my own. I don’t like asking for help, I’m not used to it because I never got any growing up. Naturally, that led me to handle issues on my own.
It’s a strange yet heartwarming experience and I hope genuinely hope everyone receives the same amount of warmth and love as I did. I’m blessed that I did experience this.
I never wanted a watch, dad. I just needed some warmth.
More thoughts from the trenches of my heart.
Stay tuned.
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